Okay, yes, it's been awhile. Lots has changed in my life, and I feel that it is mostly for the best.
I recently decided to take a sabbatical from religion. Christianity in particular. I am taking a year off from church, reading my Bible, praying, listening to Christian music, and yes, even acknowledging God's existence.
I'm am absolutely certain that some of you reading this are praying for me right now. I ask you not to. This is something I need to do. I have doubts and questions that I need to answer on my own. I know that many of you Christians think that apart from God there is no goodness. Well I disagree. In the few months since making this decision I have seen more good in places I never would have thought to find it. I have been free from guilt and judgement. I have learned to love in a beautiful new way and see how all people regardless of religion, race or sexual orientation  are amazing and fantastically kind and giving. I have let go of trying to be the perfect "Proverbs 31 Woman". I am free to love and care for my family and friends in a way I never thought possible.
I am discovering the joy of life and I have never been happier. Even my kids and my husband have noticed a huge change in me. I am not constantly trying to turn them into perfectly well behaved Christian children. They ARE well behaved and amazing all on their own. I almost wish I could go back ten years, I would never spank my children, or tell them they needed to be good because "God says so". I have so many regrets, but at least now I can make the necessary changes to raise my family as loving, accepting people.

Motivation

So I was thinking today about motivation, and specifically that I need some. I keep nagging David about exercising and eating right, but can't seem to do it myself. It seems so easy to tell someone else how to do something, but much harder to actually do it. I come up with all kinds of excuses or reasons why I can or can't do/eat something. I reward myself with food if I'm stressed or PMSing, or had a good workout, or its somebody's birthday, or a holiday, or Superbowl ...whatever. Why is it so hard to say no to food? I've lost the weight before, so I know I can do it. I just need some new motivation. I need a cheerleader. Someone who will encourage me and push me to stay on course, not just belittle me when I get sidetracked. I guess I need to start by doing it for myself. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...But what IS my motivation? I want to be 12 lbs. lighter, yes. I want to fit into my 'skinny' clothes again, yes. Is that enough motivation? Not always. I need a goal. Maybe I will train for a marathon or something...nah. But you get the idea. I will be praying about this. Now I'm going to go to the gym and I am thankful that I'm not sick anymore, so I don't have any excuse not to exercise.

Hi everyone. I haven't forgotten about my blog. I actually wrote a really long post last week and when I was finished it said "please try again later"! UGH! Well I wasn't about to write it all again.
anyway, Its been a good week. Not so much on my diet, 'cuz I only got to the gym once. But I had a really good job phone interview, and things are going really well with David. He's on new meds, and its making a world of difference. Well, I just wanted to check in. I am alive, and I am gratefull for not being angry. :)

Woo Hoo! I lost 2 pounds!

Good morning! I weighed myself at the gym today and I lost 2 pounds from last Friday! Thats with having the pizza and cake on Sunday. I am very motivated now to continue with my diet and exercize routine. I actually went to the gym only 4 times this past week, imagine what I could do if I went more, and didn't eat pizza and cake... Well, lets not get crazy now! I am happy with myself for what I accomplished, and I don't feel deprived, which is Very important when dieting. I also went tanning again- somehow a flabby tummy doesn't look so flabby when its tan.
So David went to a new Shrink this week and they put him on some new meds that are supposed to get him out of his funk. We will see, I hope and pray that they make him feel more "normal". I think I mentioned before that my camera got broken. Well it is going to cost $260 to fix it. That's more than I can afford right now, so I am trying to fing a job now, but not sure what to do. I need a resume. I don't have one, and I'm not sure exactly what goes in one. I'm hoping that the LORD will lead me to the right job that He has for me, OR that He will provide for us in another way, if I'm not working. Today I am thankful that I lost 2 pounds!! Thank you for prayers for my anger issues! Oh, and the dog is feeling better too! Bye for now.

Tuesday, Jan. 13th

Okay, so I'm not so good about blogging everyday. But I figure a couple times a week ought to do it. The weekend was okay, I was really good on my diet until sunday evening when I wasn't feeling so well. I felt like I was getting sick,and everybody knows that you shouldn't deprive yourself of calories when you're sick, right? So I ate 3 large slices of pizza and a piece of my neice's birthday cake, and felt much better. I don't know why pizza (or any greasy foods) always makes me feel better when I'm sick. Weird , huh? Anyway, I did go to the gym yesterday and I tanned, but I burned my tummy. Ugh! Well I guess it could be worse, I could have burned my boobs instead. I did that once before- it wasn't pretty (espescially when they started to peel). So anyhow, back on my diet. Not sick. Hoping to lose at least 1 pound this week. On another note, our new dog is sick. She has been throwing up and not eating for 5 days now. We took her to the vet and they said that they could run some tests on her and charge us $300 for it. I knew we couldn't afford it, besides if they find something bad wrong it will only lead to more $$, and they said that she's probably too old anyway. Well this was news to us, because her former owners told us she was only about 3-4 years old. So now we just have to wait and see if she gets better, and if not, we will have her put to sleep. I'm not really attached to her too much, so I'm okay with that, but it will be really hard on the kids. They have suffered enough loss lately.
So now for my Thankfulness: today I am thankful that all my children are well and healthy. (I hope I don't jinx myself by writing that) I am also thankful that my house did not get flooded like a lot of others in this area. I am thankful that yesterday was a really good day for David. I am thankful for good friends (even when I'm not with them), and I am thankful that I was able to buy groceries today. And now for a prayer request: please pray for me to not be so angry all the time. It seems that as I try to hold things together, the more they fall apart, and it makes me so PISSED OFF! Pray that I can let go of the anger and pain. Thank you and good night. :)

My First Post

Good evening. Its 5:08pm in Kent. I was going to set up a dieting Blog, but decided that I probably had a lot more to talk about that just what I ate and how much I did or didn't exercise.
Anyway, I did decide to join a gym to start the new year off on a good note. I have actually gone 3 times this week, since I joined on Tuesday. They have tanning there also, and so I purchased a tanning package on my first day, because I was told it was cheaper that way. I am well on my way to being fit, tan, and saving money. Or at least thats what I'm supposed to think, right? Actually, I really do enjoy the hour and a half to myself-just me and my i-pod. Sometimes I watch tv too. I really like the tv's on the cardio equipment. I usually get there just in time to watch reruns of E.R.. Wow I'm rambling already. I used to be in Weight Watchers and it worked great for me-till I stopped going to the meetings and gained back ALL of the 15lbs. I lost. So now I think I can do it on my own- we'll see how that goes. LOL! Who knows, maybe this blogging thing will help. I promise to weigh myself once a week and post it for all to see. Maybe the humiliation factor will do it for me. So here it is, my weight for today Jan. 9th, 2009: 153lbs.
I may even go so far as to measure myself one of these days and try to keep track of that also, but one thing at a time. I have decide to do the Weight Watchers 'Points' system, because I know it works well, and its pretty easy to do. My points goal for each day is '23'. I think I need to go see a Chiropractor, my neck and shoulders are really hurting. I'm sure its Tension and stress. Things are really bad financially right now. In fact, I don't even have a job. My husband doesn't have a job either. (not that he couldn't, he just doesn't "want" one right now) But somehow God is taking care of things. My sister and her husband have been paying me to sell some things on craigslist for them, and I've done a few photo shoots, but my camera is mysteriously broken now, so I won't be doing any more photography for awhile. My friend, Becky, recently reminded me that we need to be thankful even (especially) in the hard times. That used to not be so difficult. I used to be a very thankful and positive person, but lately I've been stuck in a pity party, because my life really sucks right now. I am going to try really hard to be thankful everyday. Maybe that is something I can do on here as well. Today I am thankful that I was able to go to the gym and have some much needed alone time. Well, now I need to quiet all the screaming children with grumbling tummies. Off to make dinner- salmon burgers.(no bun for me though)